When Bad Things Happen to Good Fairies
by Nerdherder51
Summary: This is an anthology series of the bizarre, the absurd and the just plan silly featuring Tinker Bell and all her friends from Pixie Hollow. Humor / Parody. Rated T for much silliness, mayhem and some mild innuendo. Featuring pretty much everyone at some point.
1. Chapter 1

**When Bad Things Happen to Good Fairies (and Other Stuff)  
><strong>

**An anthology series of the absurd featuring Tinker Bell and her friends.**

****Disclaimer: Tinker Bell, Disney Fairies and all related characters and content are the property of The Walt Disney Company. The character of Tinker Bell originated by Sir J. M. Barrie. This fan fiction is not intended for profit or monetary gain and exists solely for the purpose of fan entertainment. ****

****All other non Tinker Bell / Disney Fairies characters mentioned or described are the property of the their respective parent company.  
><strong>**

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><p><strong>Rosetta and the Stone<strong>

"Ungh!" THUMP! "Ungh!" THUMP! "Ungh!" THUMP! "Ungh!" THUMP!

Rosetta, finally at the home of her friend Tinker Bell, was barely able to float up and knock on the door. She was exhausted after pushing end over end this massive stone Tink had requested.

"Hello?" Tink asked. "Rosetta! Are you alright? You look exhausted."

"I am, Tink," the garden fairy said between gasps of breath. "I've been… pushing this giant rock… over here… just like you asked."

"Giant rock? I didn't ask for a giant rock."

"What?! Well that was what Terence said. You wanted Rosetta and a stone!"

Tink giggled. "Sorry. I wanted Rosetta Stone. That language software for my trip to South America next month."

"Gak! Gurk! Uck!" Rosetta's eyes narrowed. Her exhaustion evaporated. She then mimicked rolling up her sleeves as her blood boiled and her wings quivered with anger.

"Rosetta, what are you doing?"

"I'm going to find that boy and pound him into_ fertilizer_!"

"Wait. No, Rosetta. Stop. Rosetta!"

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><p><strong>This is the first in a series of humorous short stories. I hope you enjoy them. I'll be posting as I think of new ones. <strong>

**If you like them, please let me know. Thanks.**


	2. Chapter 2

**She's Late**

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><p>"Where is Vidia?" Silvermist asked. "She was supposed to be here to film our scenes on the pirate ship an hour ago."<p>

"Let her sleep in, I'm havin' a blast talkin' to Tom all about _The Avengers_," Rosetta said with a sly smile.

"I guess it helps that he is easy on the eyes, too?" Fawn asked with a silly grin.

"Wait, what about Sled?" Iridessa fussed.

"Oh Sled is just fine, but I'm not passing up a chance to make a little time with a Norse god," Rosetta answered with a naughty glint in her eye. "Or at least a reasonable facsimile."

"Look, there she is," Zarina announced, pointing to a stream of pixie dust that was meandering its way to the pirate ship and filming set.

"What happened to _her_?" Sil asked.

Vidia arrived looking drained, pale and with huge circles under her eyes. Her hair was a mess and matted to her face. The smell of sweat permeated her clothing.

"Vidia, are you okay?" Tinker Bell asked.

"Yeah…, I'm fine," she croaked.

"You don't look okay," Iridessa commented. "Vidia, you're not…?" Dessa moved her hands as if drinking.

"NO!" the flyer shot back.

"Then why are like this?" Tink asked.

"I bet she had a date last night and it just ended," Ro suggested with a smile.

"Oh please," Vidia responded with a snarky tone. "If I had a date last night it wouldn't be over yet."

"Vidia, you're not… on drugs are you?" Tink asked worriedly.

The flyer just glared at Tinker Bell for suggesting such a thing.

"Then what's going on?" Zarina asked. "This is the fourth time you've shown up on set late and looking like this. This is the only film I'll have to shine. You've been in all the others."

Vidia cocked an eyebrow.

"Sort of," Zarina finished, remembering that Vidia had only two nonspeaking cameos in the second movie.

"You want to know what I've been doing?" the flyer blurted out irately.

"Yes, Sugarplum," Rosetta cooed. "We care about you. You're one of us. Vidia, if you're having problems we want to help."

"Okay, fine. I joined an underground, midnight racing series," she confessed.

"Racing?" Zarina asked.

"Yeah, a whole bunch of us are involved. Last night I went up against The Flash. Before that it was Sonic the Hedgehog. Tonight the Road Runner and I are going to throw down. Happy?"

"No, Vidia. I am not happy," came a disapproving, but calm voice.

"Queen Clarion!" Vidia shot to her feet and stood erect in front of her regent. "I…, uh."

"Yes, I heard every word of your confession," the queen responded as she slowly flitted around the perspiring flyer. "May I remind you that these humans are our guests and that by arriving late and unprepared you are showing them a great disrespect."

"Yes, Queen Clarion."

"And that reflects poorly on all of us in Pixie Hollow."

"Yes, Queen Clarion."

"Do you understand the gravity of your behavior?"

"Yes, Your Highness."

"Very good. Vidia, for the rest of the filming you are restricted to Pixie Hollow and filming locations as needed. You are not to engage in any of these races until principle photography is completed. Is that understood?"

"Perfectly."

"Very good. Now answer one last question."

"Anything."

"Did you win last night?"

"I…, beg your pardon?"

"Did you win last night?"

"Yes. Yes I did."

"Excellent."

The other fairies just stared at the queen as she began to flit to her seat to watch filming progress. Noticing all the eyes on her she stopped and explained, "I am simply ensuring that the honor of Pixie Hollow is being upheld. You may continue."

Vidia let out a huge sigh of relief. Tink and her friends began to snicker and laugh.

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><p><strong>Enjoy!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Send in the Lawyers**

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><p>"Hi, Vidia, what's that?" Tinker Bell asked.<p>

"Oh, hi, Tink. It's a letter from a lawyer," she replied.

"A lawyer? What happened? What did you do?" Tink asked accusingly.

"Why do you always assume I did something wrong?"

"It's you, remember?"

"Okay fine, but it really wasn't my fault."

Tinker Bell quirked a disbelieving eyebrow. "Oh, I can't wait for this explanation."

"Remember when I joined that globetrotting Toon Racing Series?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"A few weeks ago I had a match against The Road Runner, one of the representatives from Warner Bros. Studios. Anyway…,"

"Who is the other one? Speedy Gonzalez?" Tink replied with a giggle.

"Yes, he is."

"He is?"

"Yes he is. Now may I continue?"

"Please do."

Vidia sighed before going on with her story. "So anyway, we were racing across the roads of Arizona when all of a sudden this giant net shot up in the air and landed right on top of me, knocking me to the asphalt."

"A net? How did that get there?" the tinker fairy asked, her tinkering mind trying to understand this incredible development.

"That idiot coyote, that's how," Vidia snarled. "Apparently he was trying to catch the road runner to make a meal out of him and he snagged me instead."

"What did you do, Vidia?"

"I wound up all of my wind powers and punched him right in the nose and knocked his snout inside out, that's what I did," Vidia said, throwing a haymaker to illustrate her point.

Tinker Bell cringed. "Ooh, that must have hurt."

"I certainly hope it did, _I was winning!_"

"So why the letter?"

"He's suing me. ME! For assault and for the cost of his plastic surgery."

"Cartoon characters have plastic surgeons?"

"Yeah, and by looks of this letter they charge a pretty penny."

Tink read through the densely worded page. When she got to the settlement requested she nearly flew out of her shoes. "WHAT!?"

"Told 'ya."

"This is more than I've made in all five movies, that's insane!"

Vidia took back the letter and clearly wanted to crumple it up in her hands. "It's also the lawyer's fees and Mr. Coyote wants additional money for pain and suffering."

"But he's rich! Why does he need someone else's money?"

"How do you think he can afford all of those ACME devices?"

"Whoa! He must be broke."

"Yeah, well not so broke that he couldn't travel. Mr. Coyote delivered this letter in person."

Tinker Bell couldn't believe her own ears. "He what?"

"Yeah, he sounded ridiculous. His nose was still wrapped in bandages and he had this painfully bad affected sophisticate's accent." Vidia pinched her nose and delivered the speech in that same awful way as The Coyote did to her. "I answered my door and this is what I hear. _Allow be to idtroduce bythelf. By dabe ith Wile E. Coyothe. Thuper Gedius._"

"Thuper Gedius?"

"Super Genius. It's even on his business card."

Sure enough, right smack in the middle of the pure white card were these words:

Wile E. Coyote  
>Super Genius<br>(sueyourpantsofficus everyoneofyoupus)

Tink wore a confused look as she read the card. "_Sueyourpantsofficus everyoneofyoupus?_ That doesn't even make sense."

"It's a fake Latin name, just like in his cartoons," Vidia told her.

"O-h. So what do you plan to do about this? Fight it?"

"Already did. I just sent him a package that will make this whole thing go away," Vidia answered with a smug look on her face.

"You didn't pay him off, did you?"

"Of course not."

"Then what _did_ you mail him?"

**~O~**

SOMEWHERE IN THE AMERICAN SOUTHWEST

Wile E. Coyote returned to his den after another unsuccessful bid to capture The Road Runner. His nose was still wrapped in bandages and his stomach was grumbling. Approaching the door, he tossed another failed ACME contraption which simply did not activate when needed. It joined more than two dozen other such ACME devices which similarly did not work at all inside a naturally occurring depression next to the entrance of his den.

At the door was a large crate with air holes drilled into it. The label read _To: Wile E. Coyote, Super Dunce. From: Vidia, Island of Never Land._

Wile E. knew from the air holes that she had sent him some sort of live animal to pester him. Considering it was from Never Land he deduced it must have been bees or other insects to make his life miserable. To counteract her foolish little trap, after all he was a Super Genius, Wile E. sprayed bug killer inside the crate to eliminate any and all possible threats to his life and limb.

Laughing confidently, Wile E. Coyote proceeded to pry open the crate to see what silly little trap the tiny pixie had sent him. Just as the four sides of the box crate popped open he noticed, with much fear, the teeny lettering on the label which read simply, _Contents: Pluto!_

"GRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Inside the now opened crate was Pluto the dog. And a very angry dog he was, having just been doused in bug spray.

CHOMP! Went Pluto on the coyote's leg.

"YOWL!" howled Wile E. Coyote as Pluto's teeth sunk in.

Wile E. grabbed a bat and tried to pummel Pluto with it. In response the angry Disney dog began biting even more.

Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! went Pluto went up one leg.

"Yipe, yip, yow," the coyote barked and howled.

Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Pluto then chewed down the other.

Then Pluto took a deep chunk out of Wile E. Coyote's hindquarter sending the bird chasing canid shooting straight up in the air grabbing his back side. When Wile E. came down Pluto set upon him again. This time the scared Coyote shot off, running for his life as the angry house pet chased him furiously around his own den, then along the highway and finally right into the stash of unreleased traps.

The Coyote did not realize where he was until he was jumping into the spot where he stored all his failed ACME devices. Realizing what was about to happen he held up a tiny placard that read "HELP!"

Surely enough, as soon as he landed every single one of the failed traps went off.

SPROING! THWACK! POP! CH-KANG…KONK! VRREEEEEE-SPLAT! WHAPPA WHAPPA WHAPPA! ZING! DOINK! CRACK! SLAPPITY SLAPPITY, SLAPPITY! WHOOM! KA-POW! POIT! KEEE-RACK! SHOOMP! FLING! ZAP! THWIP! SPRANG-NG-NG PUNCH! THWAP!

And finally **BOOOM!**

The last explosion launched Wile E. Coyote high into the air on an arcing curve that eventually sent him down into a deep ravine where, after several seconds of falling, he landed right smack next to a river.

Watching from above, Pluto admired his work, turned and scratched his back feet before returning to the Coyote's den for a well-deserved nap.

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><p><strong>Yup, Vidia versus the Road Runner and Pluto versus Wile E. Coyote. This story has just about everything you could ever want.<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**When In Rome**

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><p>Fairy Mary cautiously knocked on Queen Clarion's door. The queen had a very frightful evening in London this night and had to be rescued from a bad situation by Lord Milori. She expected that Ree would be shaken after the night's events and would want someone to talk to.<p>

"Come in," Ree answered.

Inside, Fairy Mary found Queen Clarion in her night dress and preparing for bed. Standing next to her was Viola. Strangely, Clarion was counting a thick stack of money. British Pounds Sterling to be precise.

"920… 940… 960… 980… 1000… 1050… 1100… 1150 and 1200. Here you are, Viola. Please secure this in the treasury."

"Of course, My Queen." Viola bowed and then left the room, carrying the thick roll of British money.

"What was that?" Mary asked.

"Oh, it's a long story."

"I would certainly like to hear it, if you don't mind," Mary asked.

"Not at all. I was hoping you would stop by, tonight was just beastly."

The two friends sat down and sipped some tea as the queen described her evening.

Clarion and Milori had decided on taking in the theater on the mainland. Using some fairy magic, they took human form and proceeded to a production of Gilbert and Sullivan's _The Pirates of Penzance_. Afterwards, the couple took a romantic stroll down the street. A few blocks away, Milori realized he had left his wallet in the theater and hastened back to claim it before it was lost for good. Within the wallet was the enchantment which could return them to fairy form.

The queen, dressed in all her finery, found a store with the most beautiful jewelry. However, it was late and the store had already closed for the evening, so she simply admired the stunning necklaces through the heavily barred windows. Moving to another store, something caught on her dress. She tried to pull it free, but instead succeeded only in tearing off her entire dress, leaving Ree in only her lacy undergarments and stockings, late at night, on the streets of London.

Since they were in human form she could not fly and neither thought to bring bodyguards. She was left alone and unprotected.

"Oh dear," Fairy Mary gasped. "What happened next?"

"Well, it only took a fraction of a second for the leering eyes of every letch in the vicinity to fix their gaze upon me," the Regent continued. She was frightened and called out for Milori, who unfortunately was still arguing with the theater owner about his wallet. More men began to emerge from the shadows and approached her. All of them had plastered on their faces the ugliest grins and leering eyes.

With no other recourse, Clarion wrapped herself in her torn dress and ran as best she could while wearing her heels. She pounded on every door yelling for help until finally, one door opened and she was let inside.

"Oh, what a relief. At least this awful night came to an end," Fairy Mary said with a sigh in her voice.

"Actually, it was just beginning," Ree told her. There was a reason this establishment was open so late while all of the others had closed for the evening. "The owner took one look at me and said that if I wanted to remain I had to perform on stage."

"You found yourself in a theater?" Mary asked.

"No, a gentlemen's club," Clarion noted wryly. "Though I would hardly call his patrons 'gentlemen.'"

Mary gasped in horror. "The lout, taking advantage of you that way. I'm certain you gave that foul creature a good tongue lashing."

"Not exactly. Let's just say that should I ever lose my crown I will have a promising career as a pole dancer."

"Oh my, you didn't?"

"I had little choice in the matter, until Milori could locate the proper establishment and rescue me."

"Well, at least you made it home safe and sound," Fairy Mary said comfortingly.

"On the bright side, I set a new bar record. Twelve hundred Pounds Sterling in a single night, after the owner's cut, of course."

"So that's what all that money was," Mary gasped, putting it all together. "Well, it's easy to understand why. You were the most beautiful dancer to grace his stage on any night.

"Interesting, Milori said almost the exact same thing."

"Oh, he finally came to rescue you," Fairy Mary giggled coyly as the story came to its conclusion.

"Indeed he did, but not before suggesting a lap dance."

"He didn't?"

"He did."

"What did you say?"

"I said, 'A fine idea, I'll sit and you can dance for me.'"

Both women burst out laughing. "Oh, Clarion, such a sharp tongue."

"Yes, well, he was only joshing. Afterwards, we reclaimed our fairy forms and returned to Never Land."

"You must have been terrified," Mary surmised.

"I was, but tonight could have turned out far worse," Clarion mused. "Though if I ever hear _Baby Got Back_ ever again it will be too soon."

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><p><strong>Clarion as a pole dancer, that is going to be one strange image to wash out of my mind.<br>**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little foray into the ridiculous. If you liked any or all of these four stories let me know. Thanks.**


	5. Chapter 5

**An actor, a fairy and an Asgardian walk into a bar…**

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><p>Aboard the pixie dust covered flying frigate, the six fairy friends have broken free of the Captain's Quarters, donned period clothing and are brandishing pint sized swords with which they engage the pirate crew. James, the scheming captain who turned traitor against Zarina announces, "They're six inch fairies." He is prodding on his crew who are having a tough time against their diminutive opponents.<p>

Zarina makes an attempt to capture the vial of Blue Pixie Dust that hangs around James' neck.

"You wish to fight the captain?" he asks her boldly.

"Until I've got that dust," she answers with equal swagger.

James engages her in singular combat, slicing, swinging and stabbing at the air around the fairy. Right up until…

"Hold thy sword, brother," a deep, male voice called out. That voice had an edge of breeding, culture and an almost Shakespearean quality to it.

Tom Hiddleston, who is playing a young James Hook in _The Pirate Fairy_ stops and stares at his _Avengers_ cast mate. "Chris?"

Chris Hemsworth, who plays Thor, is dressed as the Norse god of thunder and heir to the throne of Asgard. He is wielding Mjolnir, the war hammer and pointing it directly at Tom.

"Lay down thy weapon, Loki, and let these carefree sprites be," Chris demanded.

"CUT!" the film's director, Peggy Holmes, yells into a megaphone. "What's going on?"

"My foul brother has escaped his cell in the bowels of Asgard," Chris announces. "How you escaped I do not know, but father has ordered your immediate return. I shall be the instrument of his word."

Tom Hiddleston rolls his eyes and informs the director and the fairies of Never Land what is happening. "Oh dear, not again."

"Again?"

"Yes, this often happened on set of _The Avengers_, too," Hiddleston said. It seemed that Hemsworth would get so deep into character while performing that he would sometimes forget he was just an actor and would actually believe he was the real Thor.

"Joss Whedon had to talk him down every time."

"I'll call him right now," Holmes said, grabbing her cell phone.

"So why is here?" Rosetta asked. "Not that I'm complainin'," she added, fanning herself at the sight of the handsome and very well built actor in the Thor costume.

"They're filming _The Age of Ultron_ and he must have wandered off set and come looking for me," Hiddleston told the redheaded garden fairy.

"Okay, I've got Whedon," Holmes announced, handing the phone off to Tom. "Here, talk to him. Get this guy off my set."

Hiddleston takes the phone and speaks into it. He describes the situation briefly before carefully passing the phone to Chris Hemsworth / Thor. "Here," Tom tells him carefully. "It's Joss Whedon. You remember him? Joss - Whedon?"

"None of your tricks, brother," Chris / Thor bellows before taking the phone and talking into it. "Is this Joss of Whedon?"

Several tense second pass before Chris sets down his hammer. "Joss? Where are you? Wait, why am I on this pirate ship?"

"It's a set for _The Pirate Fairy_," Peggy tells him. "A _Tinker Bell_ film? **And you're ruining my movie!"**

"Tom? Tom is that you?" Chris asks as he finally notices his costar from both _Thor_ films and _The Avengers._

"Yes, Chris, it's me. You fell deep into character again."

"Oh, I am so sorry," Hemsworth apologizes. "I should get back to _Age of Ultron_ before Whedon goes crazy."

"He won't be the only one," Peggy grumbles under her breath, arms crossed over her chest.

Guards remove Chris Hemsworth from the pirate ship movie set and arrange for him to return to his own film. Peggy Holmes orders everyone back to their positions to begin filming again at the point where Zarina and James face off.

"Action!" Peggy Holmes yelled.

Zarina makes an attempt to capture the vial of Blue Pixie Dust that hangs around James' neck.

"You wish to fight the captain?" he asks her boldly.

"Until I've got that dust," she answers with equal swagger.

"Then you'll have to go through me," James replies, tossing aside his broad rimmed chapeau and rapier sword.

"What's he doing?" Holmes asks her aide.

Tom instantly dons his gold colored Loki helmet with the elongated horns and takes in hand the scepter used in _The Avengers_. "Stand aside, puny creature," he barks in his Loki tone and voice. "With this dust I shall conquer Midgard for my own. Then I shall take the throne of Asgard and all The Nine Realms shall bow to me!"

All the fairies stop, stare and gasp in disbelief.

It is Tinker Bell who breaks the silence with, "Why am I not surprised?"

"Maybe next time you'll go with my suggestion for the famous guest star of the week," Vidia says with an 'I told you so' attitude to her voice.

"For the umpteenth time we are not hiring Robert De Niro!" Tinker Bell yells back.

"Well what about James McAvoy?" Fawn suggests.

"Or Michael Fassbender?" Silvermist offers.

"Hey, why won't anyone consider my suggestion?" Iridessa says, cutting in.

"Oh sweetheart, Denzel just isn't a viable choice in this matter," Rosetta says, letting her down gently.

"Hey, I know, Colin O'Donoghue," Zarina says excitedly.

"DYAH!" Iridessa shouts. "He would be the WORST. HOOK. EVER."

"I still say Robert De Niro," Vidia interjects.

"Okay, fine, if not Denzel then what about Will Smith?" Iridessa replies.

The others just stare at her incredulously while several guards rush around the pirate ship movie set trying to sling a net over the crazed Tom Hiddleston who demands their fealty under pain of death.

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><p><strong>Okay, for those of who don't know, the joke is that Colin O'Donoghue plays Captain Hook on the ABC series <em>Once Upon A Time<em>.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Snail Mail**

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><p>"Mail call!" came the announcement from a snail carrying a saddlebag full of letters and packages.<p>

"Oooh, the mail is here!" Silvermist gasped.

"Yeah, it's been like forever," Fawn said happily.

"Okay, okay, don't crowd," the surly snail barked as he handed out the envelopes to the gathering throng of fairies.

"Hey, Tink, what did you get?" Vidia asked the Tinker Fairy.

"It's a request to appear on _The Tonight Show_," she replied.

"Oh my, what a terrific honor," Rosetta gushed. "You'll be interviewed by that hunky Jimmy Fallon."

"Johnny Carson," Tinker Bell corrected.

"I'm pretty sure Jimmy Fallon is the host," Fawn replied.

"No, the letter wants me to be a guest on _The Tonight Show_ with Johnny Carson," the tinker fairy replied.

"Didn't he retire?" Silvermist asked.

"Yeah, a long, long time ago," Vidia responded with an acerbic bite to her voice. "He died in 2005."

"Well then how is he going to conduct the interview?" the water fairy asked innocently.

"It must be nice to be you, Sil," Vidia said. "So sweet, so innocent, so oblivious."

"Thanks, it takes a lot of work to keep my obliques in such good shape," Silvermist replied happily.

Vidia face palmed. "Everything goes over her head, and she has wings."

"Tink, how old is that letter?" Fawn asked.

Tinker Bell scrutinized the envelope's postmark. "This was mailed in… 1985!"

"Wow, even in Pixie Hollow mail delivery stinks," Vidia observed.

Incensed, Rosetta turned and shouted, "Hey, just because they call it Snail Mail doesn't mean you have to take it so literally."

The snail made a silent gesture in return which set off the fiery red head. "WHAT! Fawn, that snail just gave me the finger!"

"Ro," Fawn said, trying to calm her down, "snails don't have fingers."

"Yeah, well that one certainly tried his best to flip me off."

Iridessa fluttered in to join her friends. She is carrying a small package. "Look what I just got from the mail," she gushed. "I can't wait to see what's inside."

"Uh, Dess, you might want to dial down your expectations just a bit," Fawn advised.

"Oh come on, the mail isn't that bad." The light talent fairy tears open the package to find, "YES! Finally! My Limited Edition copy of all three _Star Wars_ films, letterboxed on Laser Disc. I can't believe it!"

Vidia leaned over to Tinker Bell and whispered, "Do you want to tell her, or should I?"


	7. The Most Interesting Fairy In The World

**Queen Clarion: The Most Interesting Fairy in the World.**

If she is late to a party, the party waits for her.

She made it all the way through _War and Peace_…, in one afternoon.

Dear Abby asks for her advice.

She wrote an inspiring autobiography…, when she was two days old.

The platypus started laying eggs because she thought it would be adorable.

She once beat Vidia in a race..., without moving an inch.

Turning into a being of living Pixie Dust was her idea.

She and Fairy Mary were the best of friends…, even before they met.

Her eyes twinkle so brilliantly the stars make wishes on them.

She doesn't speak Pig Latin…, pigs speak Fairy Latin.

After becoming deathly ill with fairy pox she nursed herself back to health.

She is so beautiful…, the Mona Lisa cried.

When she uses a credit card, they pay her interest.

She speaks perfect squirrel…, in French.

Monarch butterflies are jealous of her wings.

She once received a Nobel Prize…, just for being herself.

Banks observe her holidays.

She can play the piano brilliantly…, on a guitar.

Rather than blemish her perfect skin, fire will burn itself.

She once won a fistfight…, without raising a fist.

Santa Clause celebrates her birthday.

She can always divide by zero.

When coming out of the bathroom, it smells like fine perfume.

She assisted the doctor at her own birth.

Once, when flying in a straight line to get from point A to point B, she took a shortcut.

She is the only person who can keep heading north…, from the North Pole.

Even her reputation has a reputation that precedes it.

_She is the most interesting fairy in the world._

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><p><strong>This was a parody of those "Most Interesting Man In The World" beer commercials. I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.<strong>


	8. Most Interesting Fairy in the World 2

**More of**

** Queen Clarion: The Most Interesting Fairy in the World**

* * *

><p>Helen of Troy is said to have had a face that could launch a thousand ships, hers can launch a million.<p>

When she speaks, E. F. Hutton listens.

When she flies she doesn't move, the world spins to her destination.

She is Dr. Stephen Hawking's scientific advisor.

She is so stunning that even Dot, the sister from "Animaniacs," is prone to yelling "Hello, Nurse!" when in her presence.

Even her enemies can't help falling in love with her.

She once played a game of chess against herself… and won.

When watching the cooking channel, she can _smell _the food.

She once corrected William F. Buckley Jr.'s grammar.

She beat James T. Kirk in a game of Fizbin…, on a Tuesday.

She never runs out of time, time waits for her.

Even if she isn't watching the pot, it won't boil.

She has counted to infinity…, twice…, while taking a nap.

She doesn't need to a crack open a nut, it will open for her.

When one of her socks got a hole in the big toe, she turned it inside out and the hole disappeared.

She can turn a Devil's Food Cake into an Angel Food Cake with just a little bit of love.

Rather than cause her pain, a snake will bite itself.

She once climbed the tallest mountain peak in the world for an afternoon picnic.

When she looks in the mirror, it can die happy.

She can wake coffee up.

She was mistaken once, just for the experience.

All her tall tales are completely true.

When visiting Spain, the bulls run with _her_.

While at sea, she capsized a tidal wave.

When she puts on makeup, the makeup looks better.

There is a website of outlandish "Queen Clarion Facts." It is maintained by Chuck Norris.

_She is the most interesting fairy in the world._

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this bit of silliness.<br>**


	9. A SEAL here and a SEAL there

**"A SEAL here and a SEAL there!"**

* * *

><p>"He took the dust!" Terence exclaimed, sounding frantic. The news had just reached the summer camp and was already days old.<p>

"Who?" Tinker Bell asked.

"Hook. He found Pixie Hollow and took the Blue Pixie Dust from the vault and a supply of yellow dust."

"Oh no. He wants to make his ship fly," Tink guessed. "I'm sure of it. Let's go, Terence."

"I have to go back to Never Land, Tink. Fairy Gary needs all of us to put the Depot back together and keep production going with what little blue dust we have left."

Tinker Bell understood and rounded up her fairy friends to go after the pirate. It had been decades since his last attempt to steal the blue dust. It seemed that old grudges didn't go away with time.

Tinker Bell and her fairy friends Rosetta, Fawn, Iridessa, Silvermist and Vidia set off to recover the dust. From everything she learned from Terence and the scouts who brought the news Captain Hook was already on the mainland plundering cities from the air.

It made their collective hearts sink. Were they too late?

**~O~**

Tink and her friends approached London from the air and found that several buildings were aflame. "He hit Buckingham Palace," Tink told her friends. "The guards must have been overwhelmed by the ship."

"How did they not see it coming?" Fawn said. "A flying pirate ship isn't exactly a daily occurrence."

"He must have sailed the ship into port and then launched to make the attack," Silvermist suggested.

"Wow, did she just have an actual idea?" Vidia said with a snarky tone.

"She hasn't been the same since taking all those internet courses from Oxford," Rosetta noted.

"Yeah, and its _Doctor_ Silvermist to you," Sil told them with a smug look. "I have an M.D. in Brainiactrics."

"That's Psychology, Sil. How can you be so smart and still be such a Silvermist?" Vidia asked.

"Enough comparing the size of your wings," Tink chided. "We need to find Hook's ship."

"Look, in the distance!" Iridessa pointed to a dot in the western sky heading out over international waters.

The Jolly Rodger was under full sail and accelerating higher into the wild blue yonder.

"Where is he going?" Rosetta asked as the six fairy friends made their best speed towards the flying pirate galleon.

"My guess would be Fort Knox," Silvermist answered. "It has a large supply of gold."

"Yeah, we know that. We all saw _Goldfinger_," an irate Vidia replied.

"Later! We need to catch up to Captain Hook and get back our blue dust," Tinker Bell ordered.

They beat their wings as hard as they could to overtake the ship. But no matter how fast they pushed themselves the Jolly Rodger stayed just ahead of them.

"Hey, Vidia, why not try that Wind-Fold thing," Iridessa suggested.

"You read too much fan fiction," she answered back quite angrily.

"Look, the ship is coming to a stop," Fawn noticed.

"It's surrounded by those whirlybird machines the human fly in," Tinker Bell observed.

They watched as the Jolly Rodger set down in the water. Several men in black combat gear slid down ropes from the helicopters that had intercepted the flying pirate vessel. The whirlybirds bore emblems from the United States while modern sea faring vessels flying the Union Jack of Great Britain joined them in circling the Jolly Rodger.

Tinker Bell and her friend set down on the pirate ship's main mast to watch what was happening below. All of Hook's crew were held at gun point. Not one tried to use their swords against the superior firepower of the American and British military.

"I can't hear what's going on?" Tink said. The noise of the helicopters drowned out the voices from below.

"I'll go down and listen," Silvermist told them just before zipping towards the main deck.

"Wait! Grr…, I hope she doesn't get caught," Vidia said. "Modern humans can find us much easier once they know we exist."

"I'm surprised they haven't found us yet ever since you bought that iPad Mini to Pixie Hollow," Rosetta said in rebuke. "It has GPS, y'know."

"Hey, I like to watch Netflix and Hulu Plus. Is that such a crime?!"

"What shows do you watch?" Fawn asked, happily. "I love _Once Upon A Time_."

"Ugh, I hate that show," Tinker Bell said. "I do not have an Australian accent." Tinker Bell was referring to Rose McIver the actress who portrayed her on the show.

"Okay, I'm back," Silvermist announced upon her return.

"Yeah, we can see that," Vidia said in her usual snarky tone.

"Well, what's happening?"

"It's okay. The colonists have convinced Captain Hook to give back the crown jewels," she reported.

"Colonists?" Fawn asked.

"Silvermist thinks that the United States gaining its independence from England is just an internet prank," Rosetta told her.

"So it's over? Well that was quick." Iridessa was quite relieved to hear this news.

"Yeah, the colonial leader said that if he didn't they would unleash a team of six seals," Silvermist described. "What does that mean anyway? Why would Captain Hook be afraid of barking seals?"

"A team of six seals?" Vidia face palmed. "Ugh! Silvermist, you are such a Silvermist."

"You see? This is what happens when you get all of your news from Stephen Colbert," Rosetta chimed in.

When the humans weren't looking the fairies stole back their blue and yellow pixie dust, returning it to Pixie Hollow with all due haste. Hook and his crew were returned to England for trial. However, Peter Pan helped them all to escape claiming that Never Land just wouldn't be the same without the old codfish.

* * *

><p><strong>If you haven't figured it out yet, the "team of six seals" is S.E.A.L. Team Six.<strong>

**The title is a quote attributed to legendary Green Bay Packer's Head Coach Vince Lombardi describing the Packer's Sweep. A type of running play used during his tenure with the Green Bay Packers American Football Team.**

**The Wind-Fold is a reference to a series of Vidia centric stories written by StellarDusk2K. If you haven't read them, you should. They are awesome.**


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